Ïnsta (a Wikipedia article from the future)

The following is a thought experiment. I’ve always been fascinated with proto-humans like Ötzi, the mummy found in the Tyrolean alps, who has become our best insight into Copper Age humans. Teams of forensic scientists have examined him and made educated guesses about what his daily life might have been like. Given that this was many thousands of years ago, I can’t help but think our assumptions and his reality are two incongruous things. With this in mind, what if one of us living today were to become the proto-human for a future race of superhumans? What better representative than the “influencer”?

Here’s a Wikipedia article from the future:


From the Encyclopedia of the Interstellar Hive Mind

Ïnsta, also known as the Silicone Beach Man, is the well-preserved mummy of a young male human who lived between 2000 and 2100. He was found in 7018 close to the Ïnstagrama Crater (hence the nickname, “Ïnsta”), near Coachella Shores and the border between Comcastica and Mexapple, in the ancient terrestrial region of the Empire of the United States. He is Earth’s best-preserved mummy and has offered an unprecedented view of Silicolithic (Silicone Age) humans. His body is displayed off-planet, in the Disnulu Museum of Archeology, on the asteroid C-554A.

Ïnsta was found by a deep-earth mining android at a depth of 40 meters, in a gas vent near the rim of the Ïnstagrama Crater. The android originally believed the body belonged to a recently deceased escaped human, and alerted the near-space authorities who extracted the body. It was transported to the offices of the medical examiner in Teslacon, together with objects found nearby. Eventually, archeologists dated the find to about five thousand years old, based on the topology of what has since been determined to be a “Selfie Stick” among the retrieved objects.

By current estimates, at the time of his death, Ïnsta was about 1.78 meters tall, weighed about 80 kilograms, and was about 25 years of age. Because he died in a chamber used by a now-extinct species of bat, he was completely buried in excrement. The fortuitous indifference of the excreting bats, and the resulting blanket of mammalian filth, and the hot, dry environment of the gas vent, kept Ïnsta in a remarkable state of preservation. His bones, teeth, tendons, hide and even the contents of his stomach were preserved.

In 7021, an analysis of his stomach contents revealed the partially digested remains of a sucrose-dense grain and lactose substance, suggesting he had a small meal less than two hours before his death. Further intestinal analysis showed two meals had been consumed about eight hours before his death: one of bovine meat and tubers, the other of fermented fungi.

High levels of polymers were found in his hair. This, along with the Selfie Stick, made of polymers and silicone, has led scientists to speculate that Ïnsta was involved in the plastics and silicone trade.

By examining Ïnsta’s skeleton, scientists determined that his lifestyle included long periods of sitting, consistent with Silicone Age humans.

Ïnsta had a total of 12 tattoos consisting of ritualistic lines, symbols and Silicone Age deities. On his left forearm he had a tattoo believed to be of the Silicolithic god of poultry, Sanders (also known as Colonel). On his other forearm he had a tattoo of what is known as The Taco, a common food preparation in what was then the southwest region of the United States Empire. Another tattoo is believed to be of a recipient used for drinking, labeled PBR (meaning unknown). Symbols like stars, felines and mythical creatures such as The Unicorn had also been tattooed across the rest of his body. The prevalence of food and game related symbology lead scientists to believe his tribe used tattoo incantations of sustenance to please their deities.

He wore synthetic, polymer weave clothing and shoes. They were all constructed with machine precision, further bolstering scientific speculation that he was involved in the plastics and silicone trade. He had a pouch strapped to his back, which contained a cache of items: food stuffs, which, when rehydrated revealed a nutrient rich tar-like substance; a stick, since determined to be a delivery device for vaporized medicine; and an empty bottle with the label “Many Hours Energy.”

Near his outstretched hand was a tablet, since determined to be one of the earliest known examples of the “Smartphone” – a device used by primitive humans to communicate inter-tribally and with their deities.

The Selfie Stick was a common tool in this epoch, used with the Smartphone. The stick itself is a protractible device with a gripping prong on one end, used to hold the Smartphone. Silicone Age humans like Ïnsta would use the stick to aim the Smartphone’s optical sensor at their heads, while they queried deities like Googliface and Bingoo, and gossiped with fellow tribesmen.

Originally, scientists believed Ïnsta had died of natural causes, slipping into the Ïnstagrama vent. Forensic scientists believed Ïnsta had misstepped while exploring the region for food, or perhaps while fleeing a rival tribe. But, breakthrough forensic techniques now reveal a more sinister ending.

APL (Ancient Programming Language) sequencing technology has been able to extract what scientists believe are Ïnsta’s last moments. A brief three-second image sequence shows Ïnsta conversing animatedly with fellow tribesmen who appear to be under the influence of stupefying substances. Suddenly, Ïnsta tumbles backward into the dark and cavernous gas vent. One of the tribesmen can be heard yelling something about “views” and “Yootoob” before the sequencing stops.

The Yootoob was one of many ancient forums used by primitive Silicolothics for deity worship. Experts now believe Ïnsta was a sacrificial victim in a ritual common to Silicone Age tribes. “Views” or “likes” in these primitive global forums were measurements of approval by their deities.

⁃ Organic humans
⁃ Late-stage Capitalism
⁃ Fall of The United States Empire

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