Now hiring: Doll Cleaner/Visionary

Sometimes I like to riff off of current headlines. The recent news of the first sex doll brothel opening in North America spurred me to think about the poor souls who have to clean the dolls after they’re used. What would a job listing look like? I’ve been on the market lately, so this is also a jab at some of the more egregious job listings I’ve seen, with a laundry list of unreasonable duties and a pompous job title which is somehow supposed to blind you to the bleak nature of the job.

NOW HIRING: DOLL CLEANER/VISIONARY

Job Summary
This is your chance to get in on the ground floor of a true disruptor industry: silicone sex doll services. Just imagine having joined Facebook in 2005. You would be a millionaire by now even if you started out in an entry-level position. We’re looking for enthusiastic self-starters with a desire to grow, who are team-players, but also have the ability to work autonomously in our new 24-hour silicone doll brothel, Silicone Alley, as a hybrid social media manager/doll cleaner.

Not only will you learn cutting-edge hygienic techniques, you’ll also gain valuable experience in social media community management in an emerging sector. Your duties will be split between managing sex doll personas on social media, and doll cleaning between visiting clients. The doll cleaning process involves three simple, patented steps (it also allows you to understand each dolls’ unique persona). After you’re done cleaning the doll, you’ll be in charge of community management. Customer queries, complaints and special requests need to be answered in a timely manner, in the voice of our dolls.

The ideal candidate has:
– Unparalleled passion for customer service. If you can’t say the following: “It’s done. What’s next.” – no need to apply.
– Proven ability to multi-task. You’re an all-purpose ninja, able to Tweet with one hand and deftly manage a vaginal irrigator with the other.
– Attention to detail. Whether it’s the inside of a doll canal, or a trending hashtag, you’re as eagle-eyed as Trump at a Miss Universe pageant.
– A flexible schedule. Must be available on weekends, particularly around the times bars close on Friday and Saturday. Also, holidays and lunch hours.
– Highly creative mindset and a passion for storytelling. Kiyoko, our almond-eyed beauty, doesn’t have a strong command of English, but she’s eager to please. Breezy, our busty blonde cheerleader, is bubbly and spontaneous and loves hashtags! We have twelve exciting personas and you have the chance to shape them all. This is why we need a visionary with a can-do attitude!

Desired Skills and Experience:
– BS/BA degree in Marketing, Communications, Advertising, or Business
– Excellent verbal and written skills
– Ability to lift light to moderate loads
– Previous cleaning experience preferred, but not required. Extra credit if you have experience clearing blockages.

Benefits and Perks:
Besides taking your career to a new high, you also get free parking. After a three-month trial period, performance-based doll time.

 

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