The following were writing prompts for this satirical piece: The Impossible Job: Inside Facebook’s Struggle to Moderate Two Billion People – in which the herculean task of moderating content is explained. Also this, article: Inside Facebook’s Fast-Growing Content-Moderation Effort. Next to sex doll cleaning, moderating extreme content on Facebook has to be one of the worst jobs humanity has ever created. Lot’s of people are jumping into this game because moderating 2 billion people is impossible for one company to do. Virtual sweatshops need to be run by virtual sweatshop owners. Here’s a “confession” by one of them:
Confessions of a Content Moderation Kingpin
I have the dopest life. For real. I’m hear to tell you the unfiltered truth about how I do it and how awesome my daily life is. If you want to have a dope life like me, and make sweet stacks in your sleep, read on. You’re free to swipe left and ghost me if you want to be a beta sucker like I was only a couple years ago.
Moderating content on social media is a booming business. If you haven’t been living under a concrete overpass for the last few years, you may have noticed how bullish the social media content trend is! If I showed you a graph it would be a steady rise off the charts from left to right, like a giant tsunami of content just swelling bigger and bigger, showing no signs of stopping.
Before I tell you my secret for riding this epic wave of social content to a #Blessed life of exotic trips, ladies (don’t hate the player), and literal four-hour work weeks, let tell you something about mindset: ignore the bullshit and embrace the craziness.
Our president is bonkers on social. It’s GREAT for my business because he’s inspiring so many people. Hate speech. Racist memes. And then there’s terrorist snuff videos. Animal abuse. Child soldiers gutting people. It is horrible, I know. Terrible and depressing content. But is a bad attitude going to get you anywhere? Hell no. Being depressed is for Worriers, not Warriors. Those beheading vids can be turned into something positive. Like a living wage for hundreds of people. What, you say? Read on.
The same can be said for sexy content. The social platforms have done me a great favor by having strict rules which restrict exposed nipples and other states of undress. They also restrict child porn, which is a good thing, for everybody, but especially for my business.
Mindset, my young, hungry internet Jedis. That is the secret. I’ve taken countless self-help seminars from legends and I’ve learned that the key to success is to see everything as an opportunity!
So, now you’re dying to know how I was able to make tall stacks and pay off my 2018 Maybach, and bang different hot babes every night. I was a beta bitch for a while. I struck out doing P90X affiliate marketing. My drop-shipping venture selling baby products stalled, plateaued and died an ignominious death. But I had a dream and I pursued it like the Terminator.
You know the point in the Hero’s Journey where all hope is lost? This was it for me. I thought I was doomed to a life of mediocrity and 5’s and 6’s. Then I read an article about how hard it was for social media networks to moderate their content. There are billions of posts flying through these networks every minute, and their fancy algorithms can’t keep up. So, real people have to moderate this stuff. First companies like Facebook hired people in-house to watch the feeds, but they burned out fast from watching all those snuff videos and child porn. Plus, they were expensive Americans who were like “fuck this noise, I’m out”. I remembered Tim Ferris’ 4-Hour Workweek advice about outsourcing and realized this was my chance at catching a rising trend. This was a need just waiting to be addressed! Need + Fulfillment = Success.
I hired a guy in Bangladesh to build me a custom dashboard for monitoring employees. He cost me nine dollars an hour. Compare that to an American developer who would charge me over a hundred an hour! Next, I made a job description for content moderators and posted it in the Philippines where the English is pretty good and wages are super competitive (low). I soon had a dozen people working for me, and that eventually turned into a couple hundred people. I’m all-English content now, but soon expanding to Portuguese. I call them my little monkey army. They all work from home, and for the most part are super grateful (with the exception of a few bad apples).
Folks, that’s the hard work. I was like an Iron Man athlete, prepping and training my ass off for the big race. And now I’ve crossed the finish line a winner and I’m in a dopamine-drenched bliss.
No joke, I’m writing this from the Mexican Riviera. I play poker and party every night with models I meet on Instagram. The cartels discarded some dismembered bodies the other day about a mile down the road, but that didn’t phase me because I have an armed escort, and roll like a G in a bulletproof GMC SUV. Next week, I’m going to Thailand where it’s even cheaper and the babes fit like flower blossoms in the palm of your hand.
– 10am: I wake up, usually next to a model.
– 10:15-11am: I check my dashboard to make sure my monkey army is working. I have a leaderboard that tracks progress. I award bonuses to the highest volume content moderators. I check with my coordinator (a young American apprentice named Lee). A few disgruntled (low energy) moderators are complaining. Put them on the watch list. I tell Lee to blast out job listings.
– 11am: After my morning dump, I hit the iron and do the treadmill while listening to motivational podcasts. Stay positive!
– 1pm: Grab a bite to eat. Usually something healthy, unless it’s my cheat day.
– 2pm: Hit the beach. Get some drinks at the bar. Chat up some babes.
– 7pm-???: Dinner/date, then head off to a club.
Seriously, that’s my life now. About 45 minutes of work in the morning, not including Saturdays and Sundays. No drama. Lee, my coordinator who’s managing the day-to-day with the monkey army, sent me the following message this morning. It’s from Letty, Employee #426:
“I am struggling to keep up. I have children and my apartment is very small. They interrupt me and sometimes see the horrible things on my screen. They can also hear the screams and moans. My boy saw a picture of Kim Jong Un with an anus mouth with anal beads coming out of it and asked me what it was. I am finding it very hard to keep up with this work in these conditions. I need more time, please.”
I’m sharing that message because it’s literally the same thing, always. I tell Lee to axe her. Letty signed an NDA and knew in the job offer, which she signed, what she was going to do. There are literally thousands waiting to replace her. They can work from home, and I’m paying them basically a banker’s salary where they live!
If you want to live my dope life AND be a net positive benefit to countless others, just follow me on social and I’ll show you how.
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